New world & your old self

A girl leaves everything behind to set up a new life altogether...twinkle in her eyes, hope in her heart that she would manage to satisfy the expectations of the new family, ensure her own-- that nothing has changed and she is still their little baby. Balance rule their lives. All she needs is her husband's support and understanding that he would be with her at every step. Understand her feelings and love her the most---emotionally and spiritually.

The bombardment of serials portraying such roles in TV depicts the real life situation that many women face today. Juggling family and work, expectations and desires--has almost become a daily routine. I read Jhumpa Lahiri’s book Arranged Marriages sometime back. The book is a collection of short stories of newly married women and their tryst in a new world & location,i.e., USA. As I was reading the book, I could associate myself with a lot of things.

Observing women friends and their lives, sometimes catching glimpse of serial ads, etc has sprouted many questions in my mind...like does a woman have to adjust to the fact that her parents now become secondary and it's ok for the husband to not accompany her during her trips to maika??Well, if I see the tradition, it seems to be a pretty normal practice. Many serials depict that the man doesn’t like going out of his own ‘territory’ or ‘fiefdom’ where he enjoys undeniable power. Insecurities that the guy might begin to like his in-laws more and thus, may neglect his own parents can also be a factor. But does it not show that you don't trust your children? Are you not questioning your own guidance that you have provided them in their formative years? Also, isn't marriage all about creating new relationships? A woman is expected to completely accept the new family and treat her in-laws:parents, siblings, etc as her own. Then why should not the same rule apply to men?

A woman's life is full of adjustments---my mother told me once. One needs to get used to it. But no one told me at which point should a woman stop adjusting and get her man to understand that she has done enough and thus, can't be stretched. I hear people tell my folks---beti ki shaadi ho gayi ab aapke mazein shuru, in effect, you are relieved of the 'tension'. My mother in her flamboyant way gave it back--- beti kabhi tension nahin hoti hai. Unke jaane ke baad dard aur hota hai, because no one can replace our girl. I think only those who have daughters really understand their value and void. But this aunty had a daughter too. I began to think does that mean that since she also has a son---she feels burdened and unfree? Why is this? The son never asked her to constantly worry about them. So she basically insinuated that boys are a bojh!!Why should children be a burden, especially after they have grown up! I think the reason is that as parents they find it extremely difficult to stop protecting their children.

I was not brought up conventionally, and thus, it seems more difficult for me to fit into such archaic, one dimensional thought process. What amuses me most, is that women who might have experienced all this when they were bahus, fall into the same trap and continue to impose the same on themselves and their family when they go high up the social order.

I guess literacy has nothing to with changing mind sets. If a woman, especially a young one, tries to question it-- she is branded as a rebel, though the very same people hail such characters on TV shows! So much for justice and equality. As long as your roots are not rattled--- you are an advocate of these things. I might be damned for picking up these issues---might be called selfish, opportunist, or a rebel without cause. 

Since a few years, I have stopped thinking about what others think about me...those people who really 'know' and 'understand' me will surely get my thoughts and might agree in their hearts, if not openly that I'm not wrong. I'm yet to meet such kind of people who really understand such thoughts.

What I’ve learnt is to keep these issues in your heart---because the moment you discuss or share it, there is almost a 100% chance of being misunderstood. So, how does one deal with it and especially if you are of my kind---who does not believe in brushing things under the carpet, speaks her mind and is super expressive-- coz her face tells it all?

 

I'm trying to--and it's not always easy, to be ‘whole’---love yourself, do what you think is right and don't expect. Fulfill your duties, tell yourself everyday that you deserve only the best---you don't have to wait for others to shower love or pamper you---we girls can manage it pretty well ourselves. :)

Yes, at times you might feel, 'how I wish my husband/partner would do this for me instead of me doing it for myself.' But then, hey! They only form a part of our life and if they don't feel it that way, it doesn't make you any less deserving. They might just show it in some other way. That should be enough. Every person has a right to express in their own way even though it might not match with yours.

Keep loving and keep living your way...of course, make sure you give your best to the new family and house but try not to compromise on your own wishes. Your parents are as  important as your in-laws, it doesn't matter whether others understand this or not. They love you like no one else ever will and it is your time to give it back a million times over! :)

PS: this piece got its inspiration from my personal interaction with many women, who are working moms. I found out that all these women face similar issues and have similar thoughts! I bow down to their inner strength and hope their partners, children and families recognise the same someday.